A crush, known or not, was never meant to be something good, that's why its called crush isnt it? "What? U still like him meh ? "
No?! That's so long ago can. ..... No... I dont think so.. .... No, ... Wait.. i..i dunno.
I'm over him . That's probably the more logical me at work. Cause apparently that's what i claim when i finally manage to not bump into him for 5days or sth. But today, its the more of the part where my complex heart's at work and the logical me decided to MIA. The part where i start wondering if i still like him. Also, the part i cant comprehend and would never.
I know I know, its like ' wtf? u still like him after declaring u dont for so so many times?! stupid just get over it luh ' But hello? Isnt there this oh so cliche but definitely true phrase that goes like 'things are easier said than done' ?
And apparently blocking him out of my sight by deleting him on msn doesnt keep him off my mind, neither is deleting his contact from my phone working either.
So why in the world am i writing this post, with feelings, with thoughts, yet something so alike to things i've posted like last week, last month, last year, last last year and blahblahblah ? Truth is i've no idea. That's the problem isnt it ? I've no idea.
I've no idea if i realli still like him, I've no idea why i still think of him, I've no idea why i still get upset thinking of him, I've no idea this and that . The list goes on and on.
I need to sort out my thoughts. That's true and obvious, but its so confusing, so tiring to do so. Its so easy for me to want to escape this torment of sorting out my thoughts. Maybe truth is i'm afraid of the answer.
I wanna scream out loud, that i do not do not do not like u anymore, with confidence, speakin the truth. But i cant. I'm drowning in doubts.
I know, i shouldnt even doubt this question. I should have been over him long ago. I've no idea what i want. Its like crap i dun like him i dun wanna see him i wanna throw my shoe right smack in his face when i see him walking infront of me. But when i really do, i just escape. I act non-chalant, but when i'm alone i start this crappy routine again. I stupidly become emo, i start expressing my stupid repeated thoughts here.
Is the reason cause i wanna still go back to the past letting my imagination go wild, yet, its so obvious that i cant? Is that why i keep hanging on the broken thread? Acting as if i couldnt be bothered, yet still letting him influence me whenever we chance upon each other. It's so maddening, how im so indecisive with feelings, how i cant just say let go and do it.
I wanna let go, i really do. Maybe, just maybe, if im determined enough, i would get out of this dark shadow. Maybe, i would someday, never think of u again, never recall ur name, never look back at our memories.
Maybe i should write down all our memories, all the stuff i'm still holding on to, and get rid of them after recalling. I'll burn that letter i'd meant to gave u , well if it still lies within the piles of book in my room instead of thrash bin eons ago, I'll burn all the stuff i'd recalled on a piece of paper, and i wanna throw away that bedside teddy, the other stuff u gave me that reminds me of u , the pictures we'd taken before, all the lil stuff.